How Do I Love Thee?

EFCA Leaders comment on their role in the pivotal marriage decision

10 Good Reasons, by Robert McKeehan

I’ve been a pastor for 16 years, and I am finding that it’s harder to discern whether or not to marry a couple. So I came up with an assignment about 10 years ago as a way to assess how ready they are to marry and give them an opportunity to voice these reasons to each other.

I ask couples to compile a list of 10 reasons why they should marry their mate and 10 reasons why now is the right time to marry. I explain that I can give them 10 reasons why I bought my house and 10 reasons why it was the right time to buy. Buying a house is a big decision but getting married is a much bigger decision. We go over the list the next time we meet.

Most couples find it very affirming and include generic reasons like “we love each other” and “we have a lot in common.” But they often include other reasons about faith, character, values and personality traits that are affirming and confirming to one another.

The exercise is sometimes daunting to couples that may not be as ready as they think. On one occasion, two people who had both been previously divorced asked me to perform their wedding ceremony. I came to find out that they had been dating a month, but they claimed that, “at their age,” you know who you are and what you’re looking for.

I asked them to complete the assignment for our next session. Long story short, they barely had one or two answers on their list and struggled to express why they were right for each other. Soon thereafter they broke off their engagement, to my relief.

To My Suprise, They Stayed by BW Honeycutt

I tell each couple entering into pre-marital counseling that I have two objectives:

1. to help them understand from a biblical perspective some of the issues they will face as they start a new life together;
2. to determine if it is a ceremony I can officiate over.

Needless to say, I often receive strange looks when I mention point two; apparently it is taken as a given that as a pastor I will officiate.

The most recent incident was with a woman in her late 40s who had been widowed less than two years. She met and fell in love with a man, and within six months they asked if I would officiate their ceremony.

I explained my counseling requirements; they eagerly accepted. To make a long story short, he had a steamer trunk full of baggage that needed to be unpacked: multiple divorces, many children and much unresolved bitterness. While he gave testimony of being a believer since his early teen years, he admitted to having strayed for a good many years.

Sadly, I informed them that I could not officiate due to the fact that his previous divorces were not for biblical cause, nor was there any resolution of anger and bitterness in those relationships.

I went on to state that my conviction did not mean they could not have a successful marriage—indeed, I hoped and prayed they would—but they would need to find someone else to officiate.

As I walked away, I was convinced I would never see them in our congregation again. To my surprise, not only did they return but they also have been an active part of our body since.

Having found an opportunity to speak privately, I shared my fear of them not returning and asked why they had remained. The response was two fold: They did not want to leave the family they had gained with us; and they respected that I was willing to stand for my convictions, even at the risk of losing them as members.

That was more than six years ago. They are with us still.

Practical Marriage Help, by Bill Knievel

In 21 years of ministry I have only done a few weddings. (At my first church I did a lot of funerals because it was an aging church. At my current church, the preaching pastor tends to officiate.)

Many weddings today are just about preparation for “the day” and not the life to follow. The couple is not aware of all the trials ahead.

In one of the weddings I did, I could tell they were young and naive. So I assisted them in thinking many things through: children, in-laws, budgeting. It took extra work in the budgeting area, as the first budget they presented left no spending cash or savings when they brought it to me.

I ended up getting very practical with them. I had them check with their insurance agent for lower rates for married couples. When I wondered aloud why the phone bills were so high (pre-nationwide plans), the bride-to-be said she called her mom long-distance every day just to chat. I told her that would need to be cut back and more time would be needed to “grow together” without moms taking part in all the decisions.

They finally brought what they thought was a perfect budget—where they were even able to put $10 a week aside for savings. Alas, all was still not well. In reviewing the budget, I said, “Not bad, but what are you going to eat?” (No food/groceries/restaurants were listed.)

God Provided, by Robert McKeehan

Several years ago in another state I was asked to perform the wedding ceremony of a young couple that was new to our church. In the premarital interview, they both gave a clear testimony of faith in Christ, but I soon learned in our conversation that they were living together.

I graciously explained that Scripture forbids premarital sex, and sociological research shows that couples who have sex before marriage and live together are more likely to divorce.

To give them the opportunity to hear from God, I usually ask couples in this situation, especially the man, to read Hebrews 13:4 aloud. I have found that the moral authority of the Bible is more effective than anything I can say.

After this man read it, I could tell that he and his fiancée were struggling. I always suggest that the man move out so as to take leadership, honor his fiancée and put up with whatever living arrangements he has to make.

They both protested that it was not economically possible for him to find another place nor did they have family nearby. I tried to assure them that if they did the right thing, they could trust God to provide. Consequently, I said I would give them a few days to think it over and get back to me. We prayed together for God to provide a solution that only He could take credit for.

Two days later the man called me excitedly and explained that, after our meeting, an old friend whom he had not spoken with in years had called him up and asked him to house sit for free for the next four months—the exact length of time of their engagement. The friend’s company was transferring him to another state for a four-month project, all-expenses paid.

As you can imagine, we all rejoiced over God’s gracious provision. This story encourages me to help couples trust God and make godly choices for their relationship. Every time I share it with a couple who is in a similar situation, they listen intently and hear anew what God can do.

Couple-to-couple Counseling, by Paul Johnson

Here at Lakewood we have instituted a marriage-mentor framework, authored by Prepare-Enrich. I train lay-couples to use the PE Assessment for the majority of our premarital counseling. Building ongoing relationship is part of this process, and there are follow-up meetings scheduled after the wedding to simply ask, “How’s it going?”

My wife, Kaydi, and I started using the Prepare-Enrich material as a mentor couple nine years ago, before I was a pastor. We invited couples to our home. Brownies and coffee were usually involved, and our kids were old enough to entertain themselves. I believe the engaged couples felt this a much more comfortable atmosphere, and walls were easier to break down.

Kaydi and I would pour over the assessment together before our first meeting, discussing the different possible paths we could take and issues we should address. I would usually lead the six to eight sessions, and Kaydi would do a lot of the prep.

The goal of Prepare-Enrich is to get the couple talking to each other, and Kaydi knew how to gently clue me in when I was doing too much teaching.

Whether it was “active listening” or “conflict resolution,” we tried to pick an issue that was current in our life, then model the exercises we were asking them to practice. Not only did it allow for an authentic example, but Kaydi and I would also benefit.

Eric and Beth were one couple who commented that watching our marriage in real-time, with all its imperfections, helped bring what we were teaching past theory into reality. It was also good for them to see the interaction of a married couple outside their family experience.

Charles and Kathryn are a couple we have trained as mentors. Recently, Charles told me that a young couple from church was thinking about getting married and were wondering if he and Kathryn would mentor them. Absolutely. That’s the body at work.

In his part-time role with Prepare-Enrich, Paul is willing to be a resource for any EFCA leader interested in a marriage-mentor program for his or her congregation. Contact Paul via email.

In Our Broken World, by Sam Huggard

When I first started pastoring, I was optimistic that premarital counseling could have a big impact in creating lasting, godly marriages. I thought that if people were given some biblical marriage principles upfront, that would make all the difference.

I no longer think that premarital counseling does much apart from cultivating a relationship with a couple. Here’s why:

1. Most engaged couples aren’t looking for guidance from a pastor for their marriage; they are looking for an officiant for their ceremony. Premarital counseling is only viewed as part of the cost of hiring an officiant. That kind of counseling rarely produces transformation.
2. Most engaged people are feeling pretty good about their relationship and think they will be just fine. In short, engaged couple aren’t very teachable because they don’t feel broken.
3. A few premarital counseling sessions can’t come close to overcoming the family dysfunction of people’s youth. People need a lot more than a workbook and a few sessions; they quite often need to be re-parented. For that reason, I invite engaged couples over for dinner with my family rather than a counseling session in my office. That way they aren’t just given principles on paper, but they see Jesus in people in the context of real life.

I now view premarital counseling like the book of Proverbs. It is helpful in that it reveals great wisdom for living, but it doesn’t save us from our brokenness. (And few things reveal our brokenness better than marriage!) Instead, couples need a loving, spiritual parent filled with the Spirit of Jesus to communicate the grace and truth of Jesus. In my experience, that happens far more often after the wedding than prior.

My practice obviously reflects my experience planting a small church in a small town. I’ve never had more than one engaged couple at once, which allows me to invest more heavily in each couple. I generally have the couple over for dinner at least four times over the span of a couple months. With some couples, it turned into dozens of times over the course of a couple years.

This could work in a larger church, but it would have to be more than the pastoral staff doing the “re-parenting.” It would be godly couples serving as spiritual dads and moms.

Partners in the Process, by Greg Braly

Our goal is to prepare marriages for life—to see those marriages become light to our world by reflecting God’s light. So we do our best to partner with couples in their preparation for marriage.

We realize that couples are unique, so we offer assessments, three different kinds of premarital classes, ongoing marriage-enrichment seminars, personalized studies for remarriages and mentoring.

For example, a couple came in for counseling to prepare for their second marriage. There were children of all ages involved as well as grandchildren. We customized material for them, provided a marriage coach and established a check-up process where they came back to see me at six months, one year and two years. Their marriage is thriving.

Sometimes our success is measured by marriages we discourage. We have had couples go through our premarital class and then, in our final meeting, we discovered there were deep issues that needed to be addressed before their wedding could take place. We have also had several couples choose to postpone their marriage or not get married at all.

By offering a multi-phased platform, we are able to help couples have good success in the marriages.