Spring 2013

Headaches and Blessings

The challenge of the premarital conversation, By: Rick Langer

Keeper of the gate
M

My aunt was the first person who asked if I would officiate at her wedding. I was still in seminary, without even a day of practical ministry experience. My aunt’s fiancé was still married, and his wife had been prematurely placed in a nursing home for her deteriorating health.

I knew I had to decline, and telling her was not easy. It took an emotional toll on me, but out of obedience to the Word of God, I felt I was left with no other option. She was greatly disappointed by my response but reluctantly understood.

This was but a foretaste of what I would experience as others asked me to officiate at their wedding. The truth is, most couples that approach a pastor to officiate at their wedding sincerely believe it is an irrefusable honor.

Now, I realize that not all EFCA pastors hold the same convictions. Regardless, every pastor is accountable to the Lord and to his elder board and at some point will be faced with an opportunity to say “no” to a wedding request.

I have been a pastor/counselor at my church for 20 years and have been the “keeper of the gate” for almost every wedding request. Hands down, the initial meeting with a couple requesting marriage can be the hardest session of the day. Why?

Each counseling session involves a number of delicate conversations and decisions. As I play “20 questions” with a couple, there are three primary areas I am assessing: spirituality, marital history and sexuality. If a couple is not on the same page spiritually, it can be a stopper. If a couple has gone through a divorce, it can be a stopper. If a couple is living together, it can be a stopper.

By “stopper” I mean, “Let’s pause here and talk about God’s standards for marriage and explore some options.” Or, “Because of your choices or your unwillingness to move in a godly direction, we are not able to proceed with a wedding.”

When broaching the topic of sexuality, I ask if a couple is currently living together. If the answer is “yes,” I assume they have been engaged sexually. I then talk about God’s standards from His Word and go through a variety of options. This conversation can be very awkward and can go south in a hurry. The couple can feel judged, embarrassed and angry.

The same is true regarding conversations about marital history and spirituality. There are times I feel like a soldier walking through a minefield, cautiously stepping left and right to avoid setting one off. The premarital conversation, unlike any other in my counseling experience, is one of the most emotionally draining.

Compare it to a couple that is on the brink of divorce due to infidelity. This couple comes into my office angry and upset. They might still leave angry and upset. Yet most engaged couples enter my office with the euphoria of a recent engagement. They might well go from tickled to ticked in a very short span.

I realize that when I decline a wedding—for whatever reason—I might never see a couple again. Sometimes this happens with couples that have attended our church for years. This is personally distressing. The potential loss runs contrary to my deep desire to see people integrated into the church and grow in Christ.

As a result, it’s hard not to struggle internally and go through some angst: Do they despise me? What will others think? Would other pastors and elders agree with my handling of this couple?

Yet I am called to “speak the truth in love.” I am seeking to represent God’s design for marriage while trying to encourage the couple sitting in front of me to the best of my ability. When it is apparent that a couple is visibly upset based on my decision, I need to rest in my Father’s approval and not others. Although I, too, am disappointed and it affects me emotionally, I realize that I am not running a popularity contest, and I stand accountable to a holy God.

Linton Lundeen is pastor of care and counseling at Valley Church in West Des Moines, Iowa. He has met with more than 400 couples for premarital counseling in his years at Valley Church.

Headaches and Blessings

MY AUNT WAS THE FIRST PERSON who asked if I would officiate at her wedding. I was still in seminary, without even a day of practical ministry experience. My aunt’s fiancé was still married, and his wife had been prematurely placed in a nursing home for her deteriorating health.

I knew I had to decline, and telling her was not easy. It took an emotional toll on me, but out of obedience to the Word of God, I felt I was left with no other option. She was greatly disappointed by my response but reluctantly understood.

This was but a foretaste of what I would experience as others asked me to officiate at their wedding. The truth is, most couples that approach a pastor to officiate at their wedding sincerely believe it is an irrefusable honor.

Now, I realize that not all EFCA pastors hold the same convictions. Regardless, every pastor is accountable to the Lord and to his elder board and at some point will be faced with an opportunity to say “no” to a wedding request.

I have been a pastor/counselor at my church for 20 years and have been the “keeper of the gate” for almost every wedding request. Hands down, the initial meeting with a couple requesting marriage can be the hardest session of the day. Why?

Each counseling session involves a number of delicate conversations and decisions. As I play “20 questions” with a couple, there are three primary areas I am assessing: spirituality, marital history and sexuality. If a couple is not on the same page spiritually, it can be a stopper. If a couple has gone through a divorce, it can be a stopper. If a couple is living together, it can be a stopper.

By “stopper” I mean, “Let’s pause here and talk about God’s standards for marriage and explore some options.” Or, “Because of your choices or your unwillingness to move in a godly direction, we are not able to proceed with a wedding.”

When broaching the topic of sexuality, I ask if a couple is currently living together. If the answer is “yes,” I assume they have been engaged sexually. I then talk about God’s standards from His Word and go through a variety of options. This conversation can be very awkward and can go south in a hurry. The couple can feel judged, embarrassed and angry.

The same is true regarding conversations about marital history and spirituality. There are times I feel like a soldier walking through a minefield, cautiously stepping left and right to avoid setting one off. The premarital conversation, unlike any other in my counseling experience, is one of the most emotionally draining.

Compare it to a couple that is on the brink of divorce due to infidelity. This couple comes into my office angry and upset. They might still leave angry and upset. Yet most engaged couples enter my office with the euphoria of a recent engagement. They might well go from tickled to ticked in a very short span.

I realize that when I decline a wedding—for whatever reason—I might never see a couple again. Sometimes this happens with couples that have attended our church for years. This is personally distressing. The potential loss runs contrary to my deep desire to see people integrated into the church and grow in Christ.

As a result, it’s hard not to struggle internally and go through some angst: Do they despise me? What will others think? Would other pastors and elders agree with my handling of this couple?

Yet I am called to “speak the truth in love.” I am seeking to represent God’s design for marriage while trying to encourage the couple sitting in front of me to the best of my ability. When it is apparent that a couple is visibly upset based on my decision, I need to rest in my Father’s approval and not others. Although I, too, am disappointed and it affects me emotionally, I realize that I am not running a popularity contest, and I stand accountable to a holy God.

Linton Lundeen is pastor of care and counseling at Valley Church in West Des Moines, Iowa. He has met with more than 400 couples for premarital counseling in his years at Valley Church.