“Please accept my resignation as church secretary. I am leaving the church, and since I donated the organ, I want it back.”
That note greeted me on the first day of my very first pastorate—reflecting unresolved conflict going back more than a dozen years. Fresh from Bible college, I immediately realized that the path to helping this congregation accomplish its mission would take me over rocky terrain.
The presence of conflict in the church should not come as a surprise, since the church is full of broken people. But why do such struggles often linger and slowly release their toxin into the bloodstream of a congregation? Shouldn’t the church be different? If so, what would that difference look like?
Some congregations find themselves in discord due to the mistakes, sin or negligence of their leaders, while others witness bitter exchanges due to personality clashes and misunderstandings of leaders and members alike. Still others experience a cycle of discontent that rears its head at regular intervals.
Mike knows the impact of unresolved conflict. As a pastor, he tried to mediate between two members of the worship team. Instead of reconciliation, the situation escalated into accusations against Mike as well as one person’s departure from the church.
The elders tried to step in to provide guidance, but years later Mike still has lingering feelings of insecurity and self-protection: Is it safe, or are there still potentially explosive things hanging out there?
Steve and Mary encountered a devastating clash when they went to their pastor to express concern over his recent behavior. Their pastor received their conversation as manipulative and set out to defend himself. Months of angry meetings and e-mails followed as people in the congregation chose sides.
Steve and Mary’s concerns proved valid, but all that remained after the battle were wounded parishioners and tattered relationships. They sometimes wonder if it would be better just to avoid conflict altogether.
But giving up can’t be the answer. There must be a way to turn these stories around. James 4:1,2 describes how our disputes and contentious battles originate at the level of desire. Internal preferences and longings lead us to act and speak with the goal of achieving a desired outcome. The issue might be related to church finances, ministry programming, leadership style or staffing. Beneath every person’s position, regardless of the issue, there is a heart-level desire that must be recognized.
Perhaps Mike is onto something as he now works harder to understand what drives people. During a recent remodeling committee meeting, Stan voiced a strong defensive position against ideas to change something in the sanctuary.
In the past, Mike might have ignored the comment and moved on. On this night, however, he stayed after the meeting and asked Stan why he felt so strongly. In this step, Mike first overcame his own tendency to dismiss such a potential conflict and then worked to understand Stan, guiding him to a more loving heart response.
Imagine how different our stories would be if we were quick to dive beneath a conflict to first explore the desires of our own heart and then listen to the desires of others.
Stay tuned for future articles on conflict in the church.
Rev. John Richardson, previously a pastor in the EFCA, serves as director of reconciliation services for Live at Peace Ministries. As a mediator, John works to reconcile relationships in marriages, churches and organizations.
