A Deeper Deceit

Pornography masks a greater sin.

by Tim Isaacson

Pornography is complex.

In itself, it’s a heinous sin. At the same time, it involves a whole host of other deceptions, causes and sins that go much deeper than the behavior of watching explicit material.

Wayne (not his real name) has learned this in his 22-year journey as a husband, father and EFCA pastor who wrestled with pornography.

Wayne was a Midwest farm boy who lost his father at a young age. A loving and committed church filled much of the void. The church encouraged its young people in service, and Wayne was one who heard the call. After Bible College, he held a pastorate for a few years before getting his M.Div. and returning to the pastorate. Wayne’s love for pastoral ministry has been consistent in his life, and he enjoyed a good reputation and a good ministry. Yet in all of this, his struggles with temptation and sin continued.

Looking back, Wayne sees two important patterns. First was early exposure: He was introduced to pornography by an uncle while in middle school and spent time with other boys looking at their fathers’ magazines and movies.

Second was something that fed his ongoing cycle of sin and shame: His loving, well-meaning church passed on the message, Don’t let anyone see you do bad things.

This, then, was the deeper deception: He learned behavior management techniques for sin instead of how to find, and address, the root issues.

So even though Wayne read the right books and was honest with accountability partners about his temptations and failures—“I didn’t announce everything in the bulletin,” he says, “but I certainly never tried to hide my struggle”—he was never encouraged to get down to the root of what led him, again and again, into the same behavior.

Wayne hadn’t yet realized that he used pornography to medicate his insecurity. He had no confidence as a husband, a father or a man, and so he lived with a constant undercurrent of dissatisfaction with himself. Deep-down he felt like a fraud, but he felt compelled to keep up outward appearances. And then the affirmation he received from his performance became a substitute for applying God’s grace to where he failed.

Eventually, everything came to a crisis point. Caught in an inappropriate, emotional relationship, Wayne finally confessed to his family and his church and began doing something much harder than managing behavior: He began addressing the heart issues that had led to his behavior. One day, in a quiet wood off a lonely path, he prayed in desperation, Lord, I think I know now what it means to say that I have nothing else but You. I might lose my family, my friends, my ministry, my reputation. All I have left is You.

And in one of those rare times in his life, he clearly heard the Lord responding, Now I think you get it.

“Brokenness is a severe gift from God,” Wayne says now. “We think of emptiness as weakness, but at that moment of emptiness I was given new strength and new empowerment by God relationally, spiritually and emotionally.”

Four years after that time of breaking, Wayne is no longer under church discipline. He has returned to pastoral ministry and often helps other men struggling with sexual temptation. Those four years represent a long, hard battle. But sin’s multiple levels of deceit had already cost him many more. Wayne is now living out the reality of who Christ says he is, in a more biblical and honest relationship with his Lord and with the people in his life.

Tim Isaacson is pastor of Open Table Community EFC in Chamblee, Ga. He blogs at opentablecommunity.wordpress.com